That time I almost died

Full disclaimer: I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and generalised anxiety disorder for the most part of post-Covid.

My medication has mostly been on the milder, lower side as my psychiatrist tried to find a balance on what doses work and what would tip the scale to me either spiralling into a panic/anxious mess or face-planted on a wall of side-effects that needed me to U-turn and start back from a safe dosage again. Compared to most patients of Dr. A’s, my doses have mostly been small and I’ve not yet “consumed the adequate amount to reach optimum results” and we can see this as I still go through bi-weekly panic attack episodes and anxious-induced thoughts with no control. This, plus my monthly CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) sessions.

After reporting back how my month has been, especially my moods, anxiety etc., Dr. A suggested we try to consume two tablets or 600 mg of lithium, commonly used as a psychiatric medication as mood stabilisers. Under the right conditions and strict supervision by a doctor, lithium can lower excessive neural excitability related to anxiety as well as increase serotonin. Even at my current low dosage, I occasionally would experience feeling calmer but like Dr. A said, maybe we could reach the medicine’s full benefits if I ramp up the amount on the tablets.

And so we did. He gave me two weeks to monitor how I’d react to the new dosage until my next appointment. To be frank, I was nervous about giving this idea a go. Actually, anything to do with increasing any type of medication would have me put up a fight before ever giving in. But, I was mentally drained from recent panic attacks, and I was willing to try something new. Another concern was my existing reaction to lithium at 300 mg. At this dosage, my stomach would curdle and turn in and out, totally fighting against lithium before eventually consuming it. It is by far the most bitter medication I have and it always leaves a dreadful “aftertaste” in my stomach that needs me to top it up with a sweet dessert or I’d feel sick and ready to vomit. Now imagine me trying to sleep in for the night feeling nauseous since I tried it. Unfortunately, it does its job and I just live with it (for now).

On 600 mg of lithium though, things felt… great. It’s like I unlocked a new level of anxiety-free serenity I didn’t know exist. My mind felt truly at peace and as yucky as the experience of taking it every night, I couldn’t complain on how so much of my mind clutter was gone. My anxiety seemed to vanish, and I was much more productive and focused than I ever did before.

It went on like that for a solid 48 hours, give or take, before I started plummeting headfirst into a shock. I woke up on the third day in a body that weighed too heavy to lift itself off the bed, my head a bag of bricks, my limbs – hands and feet, were slightly shakier than they’re normally did (lithium’s lighter side effects would be hand tremors and nausea) and nothing about everything I was experiencing felt normal. I alerted my husband who usually administered my medication because I had the tendency to “conveniently” forget to take my meds, and we agreed that maybe this was just a small boulder on the path to feeling better and it would eventually ease off. I stayed in bed all day, feeling exhausted and a mind semi-numb to the world around me.

Two days later, things started out feeling wrong. From not being able to move my body, to intensely trembling and twitching limbs, and my mind feeling completely numb, I understandably mentally panicked. I tried Googling on my phone to figure out what was happening to me and found out that I may be experiencing lithium overdose in my blood. My body was NOT happy with it and it showed. I felt worse as the morning progressed, my husband was called home from work and we almost rushed me to the emergency room after calling the nearest hospital on what to do. We were advised to stop the medication immediately until I could discuss it further with my psychologist.

During my next appointment, Dr. A was apparently more confused (???) than relieved that I took the measure that I did and how my body couldn’t accept more lithium than my usual dose. Gee, me too but at least I was still alive and well in his office? I didn’t know what else to say other than “We need to try something else” to which he (thankfully) agreed.